"Sinking"

Here I am, sinking to the bottom of the ocean, feeling nothing but water filling my lungs as I slowly breathe a little trying to swim up to the shore, the more I panic the more I start to drown when my arms are feeling weak and finally give up hope when I was very close to the shore and I keep asking myself why I have to die this way then I realize that I can no longer swim because of how deep I am when feeling pain in my lungs as it begs for air and I look down and see a dark opening to the abyss while I slowly start to lose my vision. 

Everything starts to turn fuzzy and then I finally give up and gasp as the water clogs up my lungs and as soon as everything turned dark I knew right at that second I was a goner and a soul no longer stepping foot on the earth.

I had the ability to see what everyone I knew and what they were doing right at that moment of my slow and painful death and I could see everyone of them smiling while they are having their day together while i'm sinking to the dark abyss feeling colder then I ever imagined.

When I closed my eyes, I saw the blinding bright light and heard a voice tell me "welcome home", that's when i realized.......

I'm dead, gone and into the abyss  

ANXIETY AND SUICIDE 

You how many of us teens end up killing ourselves not only because of depression, sadness kills many of us as well, Either your parents don't treat you like you're family or may not even realize you are even there.....My parents got divorced when i was little and it changed the way i felt inside and destroyed everything of my thoughts and feelings but at the same time I am really thankful that my mom got the idea because to be honest he was a prick and most of us don't have the greatest lives  most others have because we may not be popular or extremely noticed or get rejected all the time.

My life was hell because i didn't know what to do with myself after when i went to 7th grade at that god awful school i went to in 2009, i swear that school was the only reason why i lost my self confidence and started getting more and more angry everyday when i got out of school because of how the day ended, the last 4 years i have been hiding myself on the inside and didn't really want to show have funny i was or to show i wasn't shy around other people, anxiety has been kicking my ass every once a week giving me these thoughts that just randomly blow up my head thinking that people don't care or if i was forgotten, then after a few hours it finally pushes me to the limit to where i get the idea of suicide and ending up trying to do it by overdosing on pills i don't care what kind of pills they are all i wanted it to do was kill me, and i thought as long if i was to die and be fully gone people wouldn't have been so irritated and want to get away as far as they could so they wouldn't put up with me anymore, i keep leaving posts of suicide and i fear that no one is reading or listening.

most of the time my anxiety leads me to suicide and it doesn't seem to work if i do it 

many people can't hear my voice crying for help and that upsets my lifeline and so far i haven't thought about death and i'm in therapy trying to get help 

i just wish that i had some friends who would listen to my voice or read these words  

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Part 1: 2009



In the middle of 2009 my sister jaidyn Miller and I lived in Arkansas with my step dad's parents, I went to school there at north wood middle school and made a lot of friends, when the school year ended on june 3, 2009 my mom decided to let my sister and I move back to Denver CO to live with my aunt and the summer was great, no distractions and no worries just fun and excitement  I saw my dad Michael miller because he had to pick my sister and I up every evening when he got off of work.

Then of course the summer vacation came to an end and the school year began at Lake middle school, then everything the excitement  the happiness, the great feelings, and everything just vanished because the beginning of the year was alright nothing that great but in the middle to the end of the year everything started getting dark for me because a lot of people were calling me names like cricked eye, ugly, a fag and making fun of my right eye the one i'm blind in.....even just the way I looked in my school picture for the yearbook and attendance picture......I was super devastated and embarrassed because of how everybody laughed of how I looked in the picture then when the school year almost just about the end of the school year I went totally insane, I kept saying I can see things and hear voices in my head and had suicidal attempts, but it was everybody in the school that was driving me insane because of how dark the year was throughout, the names, the comments, the looks, the anger, the depression, and even the .......... suicidal mind.

Lake was a horrible school for me, i gave it a lot of chances to make it better but it just kept getting worse and depressing, I used to be happy at any other school except Lake middle school.

This school is the main reason why I couldn't cope with the city because that year I knew that something was going to go terribly wrong and I didn't want it to get to me but that wall totally just collapsed and all the hatred got through, started to tear apart every single feeling I had about life.

I was happy when the school year ended.

AFTERMATH

Chapter 1

Waking up

(Isaac): By what?....Was it apophis?

(Nathan): No...It was something different....way different

I looked around trying to study the ruins of Downtown Denver and had seen nothing but bright foggy air but I thought to myself it wasn't just fog, it was ash also.

(Isaac): Okay....Nuclear bomb....maybe

(Nathan): I don't really know... Maybe the Russian scientists bombed everything

(Isaac):  I don't think they did....I mean they wouldn't have destroyed everything....right?

(Nathan): I guess we are just going to find out along the way

(Isaac): Where are we going?

(Nathan): Well away from this area of course!

(Isaac): I know that....but where are you planning on heading?

(Nathan): anywhere but here....I mean we'll die if we stay in this area

(Isaac): Why do you say that?

(Nathan): Because there are territories that people would kill one another to protect their side of the city.

(Isaac): But why?.....isn't the government in Washington DC

(Nathan): There is no government Isaac!.....People have their own rights now.....if we stay in this area we'll get taken, tortured, and eventually killed.

(Isaac): Then i guess its time to wake up then

(Nathan): Yes! it is time to wake up and get away before someone finds us

(Isaac): Nathan?

(Nathan): Yes?

(Isaac): Nothing... never mind lets get away from here  

AFTERMATH 

Chapter 1 

Waking up

    During the dream of everything being okay, I heard a voice saying wake up like my mother would say for me to get up for school but after a wile the dream started fading and everything turned dark for a split second then opened my eyes, I saw a foggy light shining right on me from a open hole so I got up opened the cell door and got totally blinded by the light but then my vision came back I could see everything that once was beautiful now turned into something like an aftermath of something people would say....World war III but I knew it wasn't a world war because whatever I saw that was burning up the sunset sky looked like apophis hit the planet so I kept it that way thinking the asteroid finally hit us.

As I walk out of the cell I saw somebody walking towards me, he was large and looked a bit ripped with what looks like a AK-47 and a small machete strapped on to his side, when he continues to walk towards me I decided to walk the opposite direction as I keep looking behind me hes still following me looking as if he wanted to kill me but he didn't because i recognized his face it was my friend Nathan Martinez but how is it can remember him and not anything before?
I ran to him and he looks at me 

(Nathan): Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes 

I looked at him funny,

(Boy): What?

(Nathan): Do you know what happened? 

(Boy): No I don't, I can't remember anything 

He looks at me funny, 

(Nathan): What do you mean you can't remember anything?

(Boy): I mean I can't remember anything except for my last name!!

(Nathan): Okay for now on.....I'll just name you Isaac 

(Boy): Do you not remember me Nathan?? 

(Nathan): No! I'm just like you......I can't remember anything except for the fact that the united states had been blown to hell!! 

1  

AFTERMATH 

"prologue"

 Its the year 2038 and the scientists said that the world was supposed to be hit by an asteroid named apophis through 2029 and 2036 but it never arrived at all which in other words was a happier year that we all made it to see 2037 and forever more years, most say that god has control over the earth and how he said he will end the world by fire, others say judgement day is the sign of the end of the world to go to either heaven or hell.

One evening a siren was set off leaving the whole city thinking that it was just some test

but it wasn't cause I saw it coming 

it looked like a bright light with fire flaming half of the sunset sky, people were saying Jesus has returned but i wanted to say something until I was to late cause a bag was put over my head and was in darkness, as I can feel the car moving I was scared thinking that someone was kidnapping me but I thought something....asking myself "why would someone be kidnapping me if the world is ending",? the car stopped and I can hear somebody come to the back of the car when I felt something pointy like a needle get ejected into my veins in my neck, I felt dizzy and weak when I can feel myself get thrown into something that felt like a trap but I was to dizzy to even worry about anything for that matter, all I can remember is feeling the cell I was in....feeling this rumble in the ground that felt like a earthquake and everything sounds like little echoes, that's when I blacked out and was in a dream that everything was fine but in reality.......everything is gone.

Seeing The Enemy

SEEING THE ENEMY 

Everyday I feel like I'm just alone, to where I feel like I'm just some kid who just doesn't matter in the world and yet I was born...Why??.....i don't know and I really don't care, all I know is that I'm half good on the outside but there is dark on in the inside but that doesn't mean that I don't care about anybody it just means that I have the nerve to destroy anything that temps to threaten my lifeline unless if I'm meant to die then so be it but from all the hatred these demons give me is really.....starting to change me.

I can't stand looking into the mirror because all I see is my dad's image looking back at me with so much hatred and that's when I realized it was my enemy taunting me to punch the mirror, I looked down for a split second and looked back up I saw him looking at me with his bloody hands and cloths I couldn't hold myself back from punching the mirror so instead i threw my pocket knife at the bloody reflection of a demon and shattered the mirror, i thought to myself for a minute then asked myself.....Was that me?? 

to be continued..... 

PAIN

Pain is a horrible feeling even if you physically feel pain as in a car accident, broken bone, bullet through the leg and arm, or getting cut deep.


The pain i am going to talk about is the pain you and yourself is feeling, if you are hurt because someone you truly loved betrayed you or lied to you or ended up getting caught doing something with that other person......its going to burn your world and turn your sunny days into dark ashes but don't let it get to you if you knew something was up with him/her, I've had a lot of heartaches and had feelings that i have been abandoned by my own family, friends, even my biological father who wasn't the man to take care of me or my mom but I've been thinking to that I'm not the only one that lost a father, there are thousands of children who might of lost their parents at birth and in their middle age.


I have a pain that most of you feel too because if I'm the only one that feels that way then we have a real problem, think of it this way most of us have this heart with love and sunny days but its mainly us that tends to destroy it with our negative thoughts, we are our own threat, its not mainly other people who attacks it with hate and words its us who wants to end our worlds with pain or easy deaths.

Death  is not the answer to all your problems its only going to make things worse for your family and your friends, take it this way if you have at least 4 friends that you know that are willing to drop everything to help you don't take their help, love, care, or even concerns for granted, accept the fact that they would be devastated if you were to do anything to yourself and if they got the news you are fully gone and out of this earth i know for sure they will not be happy, they would be upset.


Heres another thing I've been thinking about, if you are a boy or girl reading this i want you to read this carefully and understand what I'm telling you ok.... if there is somebody no matter boy or girl that is super popular, gets all the attention they want and you are upset and jealous because people think your a nerd or a freak don't ever let their words destroy your future or your dreams, ok you may think this is weird for me to say but look think of your heart having a stone wall and the jocks, pretty girls, and guys who have more muscle think they have the power to knock it down by hey NEWS FLASH they don't have the power only you do and its up to you to keep your feelings safe from the other teens that think they are so perfect enough to leave you in the gutter like you're nobody.


ok heres something for the kids who feel exactly like i do, over the last 4 devastating years I've lived in Denver CO there have been many people who have rejected me, called me names and physically threatened me, most of them pretended they were my friends but i can see that they were lying to me the whole time because every time i tend to trust the people that always looked like that they were real, well......they weren't real they were just voices in my head and eventually went away.

To be continued......